Death and Mourning

The February topic is the Jewish view of death and mourning. It is not a topic that many people want to discuss but while doing some reading I found it very interesting.

The one thing I found most surprising was the fact that death is not sugar coated in Judaism. It is a natural part of the life process and that is how it is viewed, it is the end of the physical body but a beginning for the neshama.

An overview so to speak of death is as follows. The individual dies, the funeral is held as soon as possible but not on Shabbat or holidays, the casket is simple and kosher, the family and close friends shovel some dirt on the casket (this is seen as a great mitzvah since the deceased can never repay you for it), a meal follows the funeral and then shiva begins followed by eleven months of kaddish by the children. This is a very simplistic over view of death but I think it is a good point of reference. As with everything in Judaism customs will vary depending on your personal beliefs.

I forget the exact dates but it was the end of April or the first part of May of 2009 when my step sister called me and told me that I really needed to come visit my mother in Michigan. I had put it off many times but we talked on the phone all the time and she always told me she was doing good, but now I had to go. So we made arrangements for her two sisters to fly in and I would pick them up on my way to Michigan. One aunt flew here to Kansas City and drove all the way with me to Chicago where we picked up my partner Danny and my other aunt and then continued to mom. I remember getting there very late at night and seeing mom for the first time in a couple years and it was very hard. The cancer had really taken a toll on her and she was just skin and bones.

We spent a few days there and during that time my mom made my aunts promise to do what they could to try to keep me from coming back up to see her. Mom knew how hard I would take it and that was her wish and they told her they would do what they could. We visited and had a good time but I really think everyone knew it was really good bye. On our way back to Kansas City I got a phone call that she was rushed to the hospital with seizures and the cancer had spread to her brain. The plan was then get everyone home and turn around and go back but my aunt stopped me and told me my moms wish. So as hard as it was and after talking with a friend who is a nurse I decided to honor her wish.

On May 18^th, 2009 I received a phone call that my mother had died. She had been battling cancer for a few years so it was no big surprise but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember it like it was yesterday, calling my sister and my aunts to let them know that my best friend in the whole world had died and I just remember crying a lot. I remember her husband asking me about arrangements and telling him she would not want a funeral. She wanted to be cremated and to just have a memorial service for people to laugh and remember the good times and all the laughs. This is where it all broke down because they were not going to honor her wishes at all they were going to do what they wanted to do. So needless to say I did not go to my mothers funeral and I can honestly say that I have no regrets about it.

Now to the actual purpose of this entry, what rituals would have been meaningful to me? I can truthfully say all of them even though at the time I didn’t know the real reasons for Jews doing what they do. I think sitting shiva would have been beneficial to actually have the time to mourn the loss of my mother. Seven days of just thinking about her, remembering the good and the bad and just able to experience every emotion needed to heal my soul. I never missed a day at work because I thought it would be better to keep busy and in hindsight that was not the best idea I have ever had. I needed to cry and be angry and be hurt and honor my mothers memory. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was very depressed after my mothers death and it took over a year for me to get out of it and really get back into my life.

I was not Jewish or considering converting at the time but I believe that in my heart that saying kaddish would have been helpful. Every Friday night at synagogue when we do the mourners kaddish I say it for my mother, realizing it is well past the year that she died but every time it brings me a little peace. I always tear up thinking about her but I know her soul is in a much better place. When we are saying the kaddish no matter what prayer we are reciting I always do the same prayer every week because it really speaks to me and I know it would be my mothers favorite one as well.

“When I Die give what’s left of me away to children and old men that wait to die. And if you need to cry, cry for your brother walking the street beside you. And when you need me, put your arms around anyone and give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you something, something better than words or sounds. Look for me in the people I’ve know or loved, and if you cannot give me away, at least let me live in your eyes and not in your mind.
You can love me best by letting hands touch hands, and by letting go of children that need to be free. Love doesn’t die, people do. So, when all that’s left of me is love, give me away.”

So whenever I miss my mother which is still daily I think of this prayer. The one aspect I miss is that I never get to go visit her grave, if I could it would be buried in pebbles by now. So instead of being able to do that every year on her birthday we go to a green house and buy a rose bush to plant for mom and every year I laugh through the tears as we plant it in the back yard. So when I am working in the yard she is around me to remind me to stop and smell the roses! It shocks me that this will be the fourth rose bush this May but it is getting better but if I had only been Jewish at the time I believe in my heart it would have been an easier transition because you have support built in with the community who will take care of you when you need them.

There are two things that I have learned from my mothers death and the process of converting to Judaism. One, always make sure to celebrate life and honor it. Two, mourn and honor the dead and pray for their neshama